Somewhere not too far away in the Formula 1 Galaxy of Super Stars

If the first two races of the 2013 Formula 1 gives a whole new meaning to the age-old cliché – “from the sublime to the ridiculous!” Team mates who are keener on taking each other out rather than their competition, mind-boggling team orders, and pit stops scenarios that seemed like they were straight out of Chaplin’s “The Circus”!

An wholly irreverent look at what all that wrought!

n the 46th lap when Button is coming 6th after much attrition in the midfield. Alonso, meanwhile, has sneaked his way to P3:

Team to Button: Okay Jensen, end of this lap, box, box, BOOOXXXXX!

Button (enters pit lane at 100 kmph and slams the brakes): Er…there’s that Mercedes parked in the bloody BOOOOXXXX! What do you want me to do?!!!!

Team: Get out, get out get OUUUUUTTTT!!!!

Button leaves the pits with his burn suit in a wad and promptly loses five grid places and re-joins at 10th. (His Pirelli super duper soft tyres now resemble creamy scrambled eggs laced with squid ink.)

Button: This is the PITS! I thought I’ll never see the back of the little twit again!

Hamilton (meanwhile): uh oh…AGAIN?!!

Lewis drives out and enters the Mercedes pit bay, loses 40 seconds in the process and rejoins the race just as Nico Rosberg, a lap ahead, is belting down the straight towards the apex of the pit lane, at 318 kmph.

Nico (to himself): Not this time! Oh no way baby!

Rosberg ploughs the car into the emerging Hamilton. Both cars, true to the letter and spirit of the Grand Prix sponsors, are “Totalled” – to Infiniti. Right outside the pit exit. Yellow flags are out and the safety car is summoned for leading the funeral procession of a race.   

Button radio: I need to come in…I can’t keep normal pace behind the safety car and others because the tyres are totally blown. And Sergio is just behind me…

Button can no longer hold it driving as he is on steel wheels with some molten rubber stuck to them and with Perez in serious danger of being incinerated by the flying embers and sparks, brings the car to an abrupt halt. Perez slams into the stationery McLaren. His front wing smashed and the new pull-rod suspension twisted into a metal sculpture of the geometric abstractionism genre.      

Commentary: This is indeed the first time ever in the history of the F1 that we have seen a shunt of this kind during a safety car deployment! What a race! What an incredible race!!!!

After the restart some 8 to 10 laps later, the Bulls are on a rampage, leading the field, followed by the Ferraris.

Cristian Horner: Okay, okay Mark, you’re 0.285 seconds clear of Seb. Multi-21 and preserve the tyres. Preserve the tyres!

Webber (to himself): Yeah SURE! How stupid do you think I am mate? Not this time. I’m cranking it all up and let’s see what the little dipstick can do this time around!

Webber bungs up engine, gear ratios and revs to the max.

Horner: Okay Seb, multi-21 NOW and preserve the tyres…THE TYRES! Mark is 0.285 seconds clear so don’t do anything silly…er…PLEEEEAAASE?

Vettel (to himself): Team orders are for dummkopfs and he will do it again so why bother! Gotta“f****&&g win. With this championship in the bag, I got only 3 to go…so screw it!

Vettel bungs up engine, gear ratios and revs to the max.

After a few laps of wheel-to-wheel racing of the kind witnessed only in Spartacus a few moons ago, the two decide on final jousting thrust – into each other. Horner tears some of his auburn hair while Newey bangs his negligibly populated head into the telemetry system monitor.

A massive crash ensues and Vettel ends up perched half-way up the tyre wall on the far side, while Alonso crashes into a fully turned Webber. Tiny Massa has no way to go with the pile-up of two gleaming but twisted carcasses of a dead Bull and another Prancing Horse on a six-feet wide track, and climbs into Alonso.

Massa (heard on radio comm.): Ayieeeee, carambaaaaaaa! ¿Qué pasa aquí?

After the dust and smoke clears…

Massa (to himself): What the heck…feels good to be back on top…

Safety car deployed but can’t drive through the massive pile up of carbon fibre debris, twisted metal and a fairly spiteful fire.

Race Control: Stop the race, stop the race, STOP THE RAAAACE!!!!

Commentator: The race has been stopped around 100 meters from the finish line! The cars have been asked to maintain their positions and we’ll bring you the eventual podium winners in just a minute!

The pile-up forces Psy to trot across quickly, Gangnam-style, to the rest of the stationary vehicles,  frantically waving the chequered flag.

 Raikkonen’s radio: What’s this idiot doing?????!!!! I don’t understand, I don’t understand.

Commentator 1: We’ve just got word that Kimi Raikkonen, Adrian Sutil and Esteban Gutierrez have been declared as the final podium finishers!

Commentator 1: What a race! What an incredible race!!!! THIS IS WHAT F1 IS ALL ABOUT….

Commentator 2: Yes Gary, only 12 cars completed the race and 24 laps were lost due to the safety car. But yeah, whatta race this was. Can’t wait for the next one and bet the fans can’t too!!!!!

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